I'm alive. I'm blessed. I'm taken care of and loved....
It's been a crazy whirlwind these past couple months. When you give God your life, you never know what he's going to do with it. You might think you know, but I have found myself to be wrong many times. I think this time is one of the biggest life changers I've ever experienced. This blog will be truthful revealing my real thoughts, whether you like it or not...
Sometimes you have a certain picture of what different events will look like in your life. Take your wedding or proposal for example, you probably established a certain idea of what they would be like, especially if you're a girl. You may have established ideas concerning pregnancy and giving birth as well. Most people sit down with their spouse and discuss the ideal timing to bring a baby into their world.
Before I married Jed, we discussed raising a family. Back in 2008, Jed's doctor told him he had a very low chance of getting anyone pregnant. His chemotherapy treatments basically killed all of his sperm. Because of good advice, Jed saved some healthy sperm before his treatments. We figured that we would have to use the saved "stuff" to get pregnant or adopt.
I've always loved the idea of adoption. Most of my close friends know two things about me: I'm scared to death of naturally delivering a baby, and that multicultural families through adoption fascinate me. I still think back to the family I met while in New Orleans. They had fraternal twins and then adopted 3 other children. Each adopted child was a different race. I don't know why, but I think that's so amazing. I love the idea of having multiple cultures in one household.... Coexisting, loving each other...
So for me, Jed's inability to get me pregnant was something I was ok with. Don't get me wrong, my fear of childbirth doesn't really stray me from wanting to have children with my husband. The idea of creating a living human is pretty amazing.
We decided that when we got married I would not go on birth control. Jed's chances were slim, so we decided to leave fate up to God. We knew that it would need to be a miracle, therefore we thought, at the least, it would take several tries and with all the planets in perfect alignment to conceive....
Sometime in Sept. my best friend Brittany shared their exciting news. They were pregnant! Brittany is the complete opposite of me. She is all about childbirth.... in my opinion, sometimes a little crazily (hehe, you know I love you Britt). She wants to go completely natural at a Birth Center. Natural birth has been a big topic for her way before she was pregnant. She is fascinated with birth. At the time, I didn't know how her pregnancy had anything to do with me. God is amazingly detailed....
One Sunday morning, Jed and I got up to go to church. After breakfast with him, I found myself asleep on the couch. I'm usually tired in the morning, but never so tired that I randomly fall asleep. We missed church and I woke up to Jed fixing leftovers for lunch. As soon as I caught a whiff of the green peppers on his fajita, I needed to run out of the room for fear I would throw up. Weird... I ate those fajita a few days ago. I thought they were delicious at the time. What was also weird was, I was having cramping that day with no sign of my period. I'm no dummy... these were signs I didn't think were possible in our situation, but I knew that they could mean something...
With much hesitation, I took a pregnancy test that night, and 15 minutes after, I was too scared to walk into the bathroom. You have to understand, I was under the impression that getting pregnant might not ever be in my future, especially not my near future. I've almost written it off. I JUST got married this past summer and was completely broke. My professional dancing career was on the upside, with 9 shows coming in the spring, including my first choreographed dance premiere. We just adopted a high maintenance Shiba named Vincent, who might possibly hate children. I had trips planned with Indigenous Pitch including Haiti and New Orleans in the summer. These are not baby friendly events! So Jed went into the bathroom to check the test for me.
In my mind, he was back there forever. Before he even got to the living room, he shouted "Well you know, these tests could be wrong.". I knew that meant I wasn't going to like the answer. Almost afraid to come all the way into the room, he quietly said "It says pregnant..."... I felt a million tons of bricks fall on me at that moment. I starred at him with tears welling up in my eyes. I've never felt so scared in my life. A hundred things flashed in my mind. What does this all mean.... How are we going to make this work.... I have to push this thing out in a couple months.... I LOVE sleep.... Jed and I sat on the couch that night and cried, but not the happy kind that so many couples get to cry with this news.
The next few days were very dark. I hardly ate anything and felt sick all the time. I cried a lot and fought with God on a daily basis. I was very depressed and scared. You would think that we would view this as a blessing. This was a gift from God that we weren't recognizing. I feel so bad for the way I cursed Him at first, but you have to understand how scared I was. This was a shock, a very explosive shock. Very slowly, it got better over time. If you remember, we left the fate up to God. We chose to give it up to God completely. God wanted us to have this baby. He gave us this opportunity that we thought wasn't possible. This is my consistent reminder. How can I be fearful if this is God's choice and God's timing??
As my morning sickness starts to clear up now that I'm in my 13th week, I'm finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still scared out of my mind, but I'm finding comfort in believing this is God's child. My best friend just happens to be pregnant too, so I'm not alone with Brittany by my side, supporting me and comforting me in these most nerve-racking times. Jed is my soul mate and I view him as completely perfect. He is healed and has no flaws in my mind. We've made a baby... half me, half him. He is my ideal version of an amazing father. With me not feeling well, he's been incredible; Cleaning, cooking, taking care of the dog... He is doing it all. I'm so thankful for the man I've married. I could not imagine being pregnant with any less of a man. I feel so loved by him. God has given me the best husband and soon... the best baby in the world. Praise be to my God. I'm thankful He has me in his hands...
No comments:
Post a Comment