This is related to the last Facebook post about the anointing felt over Jed and I when we got married and the book I'm reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan. Chapter 2 is entitled "What are you afraid of?" the study guide asks us to list our fears about being lead by God. I couldn't really think of anything at Bible Study, but today I can tell you exactly what it is....
To re-quote myself, more so than not, greatness comes out of suffering. I do not want to suffer. Can I just do great things in the name of Jesus without going through the fire?! My biggest fear is that Jonah will be taken from me (or Jed). And you say, "How can God do such a thing?!?" What if Jonah's passing brought millions to Christ? Ugh... this is so hard to think about. I'm sitting here and feel like I can't type anymore about it. This subject is way too hard.
We often think, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Frankly, this life isn't about us individually. It's about everyone linked together under the grace of God. We need to stop thinking about what's best for us and start thinking about what's best for the entire world.
But, I'm going to admit it... I'm still selfish and want my loved ones with me forever. And I think no one can judge that fact. How can I be ok with it? Will I ever?
I'm not saying that Jonah needs to be taken. But this is the worse thing that I could imagine happen. I need to except what the worse thing could be before I can move forward and completely trust God. COMPLETELY. It will never make it suck less, but I need to have faith that it serves some grand glorious purpose. Do you think it didn't suck for Jesus to be hung on the cross? He even pleaded with God asking Him to let it happen in a different way. Any way but that! But...Would anything less than that grand gesture be so ministering?
Ugh....
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